Unanswered.

If you are realizing a harmful means to attain some sort of end result, look closely at exactly what you are trying to attain. If you are mindlessly eating junk food as a means to feeling relaxed or comforted, ask yourself these questions:

• Why do I want to be relaxed and comforted?
• Why am I not able to be relaxed and comforted?
• What am I trying to be relaxed or comforted from?
• What does it look like for me to be relaxed and comforted?
• Will I become more relaxed and comforted IN THE LONG RUN, in the way I want it to look like for me, if I continue to mindlessly eat junk food?

Next, confirm the following truth:

“I deserve to be relaxed and comforted. I do not want or deserve feeling like I do when I disrespect my body and my mind by mindlessly eating junk food. So, because I love myself and do not want to hold myself back, I will make choices that reflects self-love and preservation.”

I have certainly gone the route of suppressing my thoughts and emotions by temporarily numbing them with food. But, if I am honest with myself, during that time, I am numb not only to those problems I am trying to ignore, I am numbing myself to every positive thing I have worked for in my life as well. I forget about how hard I have fought for my dignity, self-respect, accomplishments, and how I have pushed through dark times. I forget about the scars on my arms from self-hatred and punishment that I have let heal and fade as I have plunged forward into a wanting to fight for life instead of wishing it were taken away. I want to live!!! I forget about the thousands of hugs and tears and letters from my dear family who love me no matter what and through it all. I forget about my mental fortitude and I forget to appreciate my heart, my talents, my dreams, my wishes!! I forget that my life matters. Even during times when I want to squash all feelings deep into the ground. 

This method of stepping back and evaluating a means to an end goal goes for any habit, not just mindless eating, that is threatening to rob you of your awareness, opportunity, and ability to appreciate your precious life. 

“Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit, and never let them take you alive.”-Gerard Way

There it is again

That tear in golden wrapping paper

Truth strains hard to taste the light

Anticipating I clasp my life in these hands

Not yet just yet

Let me catch my breath

The holidays are fast approaching and it brings me back, not to happy memories and nostalgic times with family, but to sadness and self-loathing. Every year since high school, it has been a competition against my body and appearance. The holidays always bring people together but this has been the source of a lot of anxiety for me. People gather and of course we will be taking pictures, being spontaneous and fun, but this is difficult (and near impossible) if I am feeling less-than happy or beautiful. I want to be able to be present and participatory, but I am always held back by how unprepared/unattractive I feel. I don’t want attention or people to look at me when I feel like I look like a lazy, good-for-nothing blob.

Every year, there is an abundance of junk food and pressure to stay healthy and maintain a sound mind. I get so anxious about the way I look compared to last year and I am pretty sure I weigh more this year than last. I know that I have the control to live healthier and fitter, but I end up sabatoging my efforts because I get freaked out that I may be getting better and this is unknown territory. 

Am I ready to have a healthy, fit, and happier lifestyle? Being overweight messes with my hormones and I can’t do anything that I would want to do being this way. I am not as nimble, quick on my feet, or up for everything the way I know that I am deep down. I want to live and not be suffocated by the weight that is holding me back. 

I am ready to face myself and see that I am worth more than I am settling for or resorting to right now. In fact, I am really proud of how well I have maintained a pretty normal eating/exercising pattern for the last two years and although I am not the weight I would want to be, I am not obese and have not given up on myself. It is a constant struggle, but recently it has been so much better. I have been able to get over myself and go to yoga/kickboxing class and not be totally grossed out when I look in the mirror. 

I want to be a role model for other people who have dealt with eating issues. I want to prove to them, and myself, that life is worth living without the obsession of calories in/calories out. Beginning today, I will work towards a healthier, more consistent lifestyle and not be afraid of the confidence it may magnify.

I don’t like writing to the world at large. I wish I could tell someone close to me what I was feeling without a fear of being rejected or having them worry about me. I want to be able to converse freely and confide confidentially. I started my Tumblr today because I want to get rid of all my personal information that could be found if anything was ever to happen to me. I don’t want secrets about my relationships or darkest thoughts passed around a mourning family. If people did not care to ask when I was alive, why should they dare ask or expect to know anything when I have gone? The only thing they will be left with is regret or sadness that maybe there could have been something they could have done. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or take any blame on themselves. I would want it to be as seemless as possible. For example, this entry would be one of those that I would never want anyone close to me to read which is strange because wouldn’t you think that those people should be the ones to know and care? Ugh.

People are pretty dispicable. I used to love how strangers could interact but now I don’t see any benefit in the interactions. Maybe it changes people for a time, but I wish we didn’t have to change.I wish we would be able to know ourselves before we got distracted or pulled into another direction and led into a rut that we don’t even know anything about. A lifestyle or idea may seem attractive hearing it secondhand, but once we are battling the thing ourselves, it takes on a new persona and meaning.

I wish that I could just disappear. This hood would fit so nicely over the entirety of my head. I want to hide from the memories of love gone wrong and hide from regrets and :what-ifs”. I want to pull the blanket over possibilities and fade into the background. To have people who knew me slowly forget who I was and go on with their lives unaffected by the subtraction of one sad, pitiful character they once knew.